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Aunt Pythia’s advice

October 19, 2014

Quick, get on the bus! Hurry!

Aunt Pythia is gonna be super fast this morning because she’s got crepes to make and apples to pick.

And then many, many apple pies to bake.

And then many, many apple pies to bake.

Are you ready? Belts buckled? OK great, let’s do this. And afterwards:

please think of something to ask Aunt Pythia at the bottom of the page!

By the way, if you don’t know what the hell Aunt Pythia is talking about, go here for past advice columns and here for an explanation of the name Pythia.


Dear Aunt Pythia,

Now I’m dying to know – what are some Dan Savage answers that you disagree with?? Say, what are your top 3?

An obliging – and curious! – good friend

Dear Ao-ac-gf,

First, let me say I’m glad this is a written word thing and I don’t have to pronounce your name.

Second, I only disagree with Dan Savage on (pretty much) one thing. And he’s a gay man, and without meaning to offend may I say he has typical gay man aesthetics coming from mostly interacting with other men. You see this is fashion as well, which is dominated by gay men.

Which is to say, he’s really judgmental about fatness. And I find it peculiar, coming from a man who is pro-sex and anti-shame on most topics. As is typical of people who are judgy about fatness, he claims it’s coming from a place of worrying about health, which I first of all object to strenuously as a super healthy fat woman, but secondly it just strikes me as almost comically parallel to how people complain about gayness and hide behind some weird argument that it’s for the sake of the gay person’s soul.

UPDATE: please read this totally awesome essay on the subject.

That’s pretty much it. In almost every other way I agree with Dan Savage. And also, I haven’t read his stuff for a while, so who knows, maybe he’s had a total change of heart, and maybe he embraces fat ladies such as myself nowadays (although, not literally, I’m sure).

XOXOX good friend!

Aunt Pythia


Dear Aunt Pythia,

I’m currently in a data quality job that I was promoted into for sheer enthusiasm and work ethic. It’s turned into a data quality/analysis/reporting and visualisation role (can you guess I’m at a non-profit). I’ve taught myself advanced Excel, some data visualisation and how to manage our database since being promoted. I love knowing what all the data shows and being able to explain why certain things are happening. However I want to excel at my job and with no prior training (I’m not even a graduate yet) I find it so stressful as I feel I’m always one step behind.

Currently to improve my skills… (I have your book on my wishlist) I follow your blog and several others in similar fields and I’ve read books on Tableau/Excel/dashboard design and books on how to think statistically. I’m going through the entirety of the maths section on Khan Academy. I’m also studying part time so I will be a graduate soon and I have done some statistics in this course but it’s all been related to psychology experiments (I started the course before being promoted).

Unfortunately no one else in my organisation does anything similar or is any kind of position to train or mentor me. Would you be able to recommend other books/blogs/online courses or even ways of thinking/learning skills that might be useful?

Girl drowing in data

Dear Girl,

Whoa! You rock! Let’s hear it for enthusiasm and work ethic, sister!

And hey, I even have advice: check out the github for my data journalism program this past summer, there’s lots of good stuff there. Also make sure you’ve taken a look at Statistics Done Wrong. And also, the drafts of my book are all on my blog.

Good luck!

Auntie P


Dear Aunt Pythia,

I am fed up with being single, and I am fed up with dating mathematicians, because the aftermath is too awkward. I’d like to try online dating, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends. But I feel that I need to tell someone to stay safe. Do you have any suggestions?

Currently Unsure of my Prospects In Dating


OK let me just plug dating mathematicians in spite of the fact that you’ve decided to give up on them. They are actually super nice.

Come to think of it, before I met my husband, I decided on three rules for my next boyfriend and publicly announced them to my friends:

  1. Had to be at least 30 (because younger men were so freaking immature),
  2. Had to love his job (because men who don’t love their job are so freaking insecure)
  3. Couldn’t be a mathematician (because it’s so freaking awkward after breakups)

Then, after I met my mathematician husband and people pointed out my hypocrisy, I’d always say, “two out of three aint bad, amIright?”. So in other words, I’m totally fine with your proclamation that you’re done with math people, guys or girls, as long as you are willing to bend rules for the right nerd.

Back to online dating. Yes, I think it makes sense for at least one of your friends to know about your online activities before you start meeting strangers in night clubs. But I don’t really see why that’s embarrassing, maybe because I’m not easily embarrassed, but also because EVERYONE DOES ONLINE DATING. Seriously, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t tried that.

Why don’t you talk to a friend you trust and ask them what they think of online dating, and kind of poke the topic around a bit. I think you will be surprised to learn that it’s very common, and not at all embarrassing. And once you start doing it, with the disclosure to a good friend who will notice if you go missing, please be aware of the problems with online dating that have nothing to do with safety.

Good luck!

Aunt Pythia


Dear Aunt Pythia,

Our daughter has recently started watching way too much Faux News and blaming everything wrong in her life on “the liberals.” Not wanting to damage our relationship with her or our grandkids, my wife and I tend not to respond to her tea-partyish pronouncements. Alas, our silence is characterized as “uncomfortable,” and if we look at one another we’re presumed to be eye-rolling. I am afraid the whole thing may be escalating to the point that the kids start to see us as the villains responsible for the tensions in the air. The alternatives to silence appear to be: responding truthfully, which would probably get us ejected, or feigning agreement (i.e., lying), which we simply will not do. Agreeing honestly with minor details only gets us pressed for our positions on the larger issues, and we’re back to those two choices. Any ideas you have would be welcome.

Virtually Unspeaking Leftish Parents In No-win Exercise


What a foxy sign-off!!!

OK, so this is your daughter, right? Not your daughter-in-law? So presumably you raised her? And presumably she knows all about how leftish you guys are?

If so, it’s a weird situation. My best guess, from way over here in unspeakably leftish territory, is that she has hostility for you two and wants to blame you for her problems but the closest she can get to blaming you is blaming people like you, namely liberals.

Even if I’m wrong, there really does seem to be more than enough blame and hostility to go around in the above description, mostly coming from her, but also being passed around like a hot potato by all concerned. If I were you I’d focus on the underlying hostility, although maybe not talk directly about it with her. Some ideas:

  1. Maybe you could have dinner with just her (or with her husband if he’s around) and talk about how you guys don’t have to agree about everything to get along as a family. Focus on the interactions rather than the details of what you don’t agree about. Try to make a plan with her to avoid hot topics and enjoy your time together. Plan an apple-picking trip!
  2. If that’s too direct, think about what she’s actually accomplishing when she makes “tea-partyish pronouncements”. Does she do this right after something happens to embarrass her or put a spotlight on her vulnerabilities? Is there a pattern to the behaviors? Understanding what gives rise to those moments might help you defuse them. And if you can’t defuse them, it still might help you to know when things are coming up. Plan ahead about what you will say to change the subject.
  3. You can try to address the frustration by giving her lots of love in other ways. In other words, just find things where you guys get along and stick with them. Try to make a habit out of emphasizing common ground. Maybe you all love certain kinds of food or entertainment? Karaoke?
  4. If all those distraction methods fail, I think an articulate discussion of polite (even if strenuous!) disagreement is great for kids. And it shouldn’t ban you from spending time with the kids either, if you keep it relatively civilized.
  5. Here’s what might get you into real trouble: if you ever tell the grandkids what you really think when their mom isn’t around. That will get back to her and she will feel betrayed and might take away your private time with the grandkids. I think the disagreements have to happen out in the open in front of everyone.
  6. Finally, it just might not be possible. If she is on a tear for being hostile and blaming, then that’s what she’s gonna do. Some people are just filled with anger and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I would just try the other stuff and if they don’t work try to be there for the grandkids, especially when they’re going through puberty.

Good luck, grandpa! I hope this was somewhat helpful.

Aunt Pythia


Dear Aunt Pythia,

CA has just adopted legislation to require that colleges require students to give positive consent before sex. In other words, lack of protest does not constitute consent. The change seems appropriate, but I wonder about the basic structure of the system.

My question: why are schools responsible rather than the police and does this empirically make the situation better? Are there fewer incidents, faster prosecution, more victim support, etc, because the universities are involved or does it function to shield perpetrators from criminal punishment?

Sorry this is only a quasi-sex question.

Sex Questions Unlikely In Near Term



I’m on the verge of making a huge rant about this issue. I’ll probably still do it actually, but yes, yes yes. Here’s an imaginary Q&A I have with myself on a daily basis.

Why are schools responsible? Mostly historical, towns don’t want to have to hire extra police to deal with the nuisance problems (think: vomit everywhere) that proliferate on campus, so schools are like, “we got this!”.

Does this make sense? It does for actual nuisance problems, but not for violent crime. In fact it leads to ridiculous situations where professors of philosophy are expected to decide whether something was a sex act or just really terrible sex by asking whether it’s really possible for someone to be ass-raped without lubrication. Yes, it is.

Why don’t students go straight to the real police when there is a violent crime committed against them? Partly because the campus police are nearby and present, but mostly because the “real” police are not sufficiently responsive to their complaints.

So doesn’t that mean that there are two entirely different systems available to 19-year-old rape victims, depending on whether they happen to be college students or not? Yes, and it’s bullshit, and elitist, although neither system actually works for the victims.

So what should we do? We should require that claims of violent crimes on campuses go straight to the real police and we should also require that real police learn how to do their jobs when it comes to rape, so it’s a fair system for all 19-year-olds.

Aunt Pythia


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Categories: Aunt Pythia
  1. October 19, 2014 at 10:33 am

    The tacit policy on underage drinking on many campuses is very different from the official legal policy in most US jurisdictions. I think this fact really drives a lot of colleges’ desire for control.


  2. Gerard
    October 19, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Totally agree with you on the campus policing issue.


  3. Min
    October 19, 2014 at 9:24 pm


    From what you say it sounds as though your daughter wants to pick a fight with you over politics. But we have heard only one side, and her perception may well be different. If a rift is a real danger, it may be a good idea to get professional help. You can go yourself, without involving your daughter or her family.

    Aunt Pythia has given some good advice. Let me add something from my own experience. There is nothing wrong with uncomfortable silence. Everybody knows that you disagree politically, nothing needs to be said about that. The uncomfortable silence allows you to talk about your feelings, which are what is important to you as a family. If your daughter breaks the silence by expressing some negative emotion or opinion, you can acknowledge that without judgment or defensiveness. As you have observed, even agreement is fraught with danger. No need to agree or disagree. What is needed is love and acceptance.

    Good luck!


  4. Auros
    October 20, 2014 at 2:54 am

    My understanding is that at this point, the schools are supposed to investigate inter-student crimes with the goal of determining whether some kind of sanction of a student is appropriate — suspension or expulsion — and that they are allowed, in making that determination, to use a “preponderance of evidence” standard rather than the “beyond a reasonable doubt” standard that applies in criminal courts.

    I’m not sure I think this is entirely a bad idea. I definitely think every woman should be able to trust that if she brings an assault allegation to *any* authority, whether campus cops or real cops, it will be taken seriously, and probably cross-reported between the two groups so that all resources can be brought to bear on the investigation. But the notion that the school has a role to play does not seem wrong.


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