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Aunt Pythia is ever so pleased to be here today, on her 41st birthday no less, spewing forth questionable advice that nobody will be willing to go on the record as having read, but which she knows in her heart each reader secretly treasures.

Now, when Aunt Pythia was on her death bed two weeks ago, the call was raised for more questions, and quickly. And readers, you responded, which brings tears to Aunt Pythia’s eyes, it really does. It brought her back from the brink and she’s eternally grateful.

The problem is, though, this: some of these questions are of dubious substance. To be honest, they’re very short, not extremely well-thought out or juicy, and don’t pose an existential conundrum.

Of course, one doesn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I’ve arranged to answer these questions in speed-round fashion today. I hope you enjoy it, and please don’t forget:

Submit your existential conundrums to Aunt Pythia at the bottom of this page!

By the way, if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, go here for past advice columns and here for an explanation of the name Pythia.

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Dear Aunt Pythia,

What should I do when, after posting a video from Vi Hart, a reader responds “I’ve got to marry that girl.”?

Math Guy

Dear Math Guy,

Offer to administer the wedding! Turns out you can get certified as a minister with an app called “OrdainThyself”.

Aunt Pythia

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Dear Aunt Pythia,

If you were a flavor of ice cream, what flavor of ice cream would you be?

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear SiS,

Not sure about me, but my kids would all be Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, which I ate pretty much continuously and exclusively during my three pregnancies.

Not me, but I had that same stoned expression.

I hope that helps!

Aunt Pythia

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Dear Aunt Pythia,

I am a 24 year-old grad student, and I’ve noticed the following trend in my life: When I was younger (read, 14 and older), I always was attracted to people around 19 years of age which was too old for me. But now, I’m still attracted to people around 19 years of age, which is quickly getting too young for me. What should I do???

Feeling a little bit like a Cougar…

Dear Wanna-be Cougar,

Just as I can’t claim to be part of the generation of 20-somethings that refuse to make appointments more than 17 minutes in advance, and then only by text, you cannot claim to be a cougar, sorry. That’s reserved for women who are at least 40, possibly 41, and there’s no extra room at this table.

Not me, but I do share the sentiment

In terms of your “problem,” it’s one of those things you can’t control, as far as I know, so just take the posture of bewildered amusement at your own desires, and make sure you don’t do anything illegal or weird.

Smooches,

Aunt Pythia

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Dear Aunt Pythia,

Since I know how fond you are of bridge, I have a question about slam bidding: Given the fact that you and your partner have a guaranteed slam, what is the probability that you will bid into that slam? What are the ways to maximize that probability, in terms of convention? What are the easiest ways to invite slam to your partner? What is your opinion of cue bidding, and what are the least confusing ways to cue bid?

Seeker Abling Young Cardsharks

Dear SAYC,

I appreciate how your sign-off is code for how I should answer this question.

But even so, I’m going to go with my gut here: when I’m in a perceived slam with my partner, I always make sure to stare knowingly into his or her eyes, with raised eyebrows, and mouth the word “slam”, Colbert-style.

Me.

If that isn’t getting through I squeeze his or her knee under the table. Works every time. For me, bridge is all about being fun and ridiculous, and I never follow the rules unless it’s more fun to do so.

I hope that helps!

Auntie P

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Please submit your well-specified, fun-loving, cleverly-abbreviated question to Aunt Pythia!