mathbabe

This is a guest post by my friend Tara Mathur:

I don’t need to read Tiger Mother to know that I don’t have one.  I don’t remember either of my parents putting a lot of pressure on me to do things – even to study, although I developed that habit on my own.

As kids we develop some habits on our own, but we pick up a lot of habits from our parents.

We learn habits from our parents in a few ways.  One is by mirroring them. For example, my parents have always read in bed before going to sleep and so have I; it’s so natural to me that until I got married I thought this was something everyone did.

Another is by having our parents make us do something repeatedly.  For example, when we first brushed our teeth it probably seemed like a pain to do, but our parents kept making us do it, and it became automatic.

How can we cultivate new habits as adults?

(And am I the only one who associates the word “will-power” with pain and failure?  People use that word when they’re talking about doing something really hard, against their natural tendencies.  I hear that word and think, how is this gonna last?)

In the last few years I’ve become a big fan of a blog called Zen Habits written by Leo Babauta.  He’s made big positive changes in his life – getting out of debt, quitting smoking, running marathons, starting a successful writing career – by focusing on habits rather than goals.  Even though big goals are sexy and easy to get excited about, it’s the daily habits, built up baby step by baby step, which last and which comprise most of our life.  By definition, when something is a habit we don’t have to rely on willl-power to stick with it.  It’s effortless, automatic behavior.  Leo emphasizes starting small and focusing on one habit at a time.

This could apply to any positive change we’d like to make in our life.  BJ Fogg, a human behavior expert who runs the Persuasive Technology Lab at Stanford, sums up the three steps to cultivate a new habit as follows:

1. Make it tiny.  To create a new habit, you must first simplify the behavior.  Make it tiny, even ridiculous. (examples: floss one tooth, walk for three minutes, do two push-ups)
2. Find a spot.  Find a spot in your existing routine where this tiny new behavior could fit.  Put it after some act that is a solid habit for you, like brushing teeth or eating lunch.  One key to a new habit is this simple: you need to find what it comes after.
3. Train the cycle.  Now focus on doing the tiny behavior as part of your routine – every day, on cycle.  At first you’ll need reminders.  But soon the tiny behavior will get more automatic.  Keep the behavior simple until it becomes a solid habit.  That’s the secret to success.

That’s it!  He says.  Just keep your tiny habit going.  Believe in baby steps.  Eventually it will naturally expand to the bigger behavior, without much effort.

(There are other tricks too.  I’ve also read that you’ll pick up a habit more quickly if you surround yourself with people who already have the habit you want — though I’m not sure if it will last when you’re no longer around those people.  Try it and see what works.)