Home > Aunt Pythia > Aunt Pythia’s advice – sex edition

Aunt Pythia’s advice – sex edition

March 16, 2013

I’m afraid the concept of “giving advice” has been taken down a notch this week, considering how many ridiculous examples we have right now of people are giving advice as a way of congratulating themselves. It’s enough to confuse an advice columnist and put her into an existential angst spiral.

However, it’s not going to stop Aunt Pythia!

At most it will divert her to talk exclusively about something that nobody doesn’t love reading, namely sex. It’s a tried and true last resort of the advice columnist: let out the dirty laundry of yourself and everybody who dares bare themselves to you. I don’t see where this could go wrong.

Having said that, I’m not promising to be exclusive like this every week. I’ll probably cheat on you people every now and then and answer questions about how to get a job in data science or something. Also, my guest advice columnist next week, Aunt Orthoptera, will answer whatever questions she chooses (from a grasshopper’s perspective, of course).

By the way, if you don’t know what you’re in for, go here for past advice columns and here for an explanation of the name Pythia. Most importantly,

Please submit your smutty sex questions at the bottom of this column!


Dear Aunt Pythia,

How can I make compatible my sexual attraction for dominant women and my fear of being controlled?

Horny in Montana

Dear Horny,

Let me start out by admitting honestly that I have no direct advice for you. I just don’t know how to resolve issues surrounding sexuality, and I’d be deeply skeptical of anybody who claims to be able to do so.

Sexuality is a crazy thing, a super entrenched and powerful force, and there’s just nothing and nobody who can change it for you once it’s on a roll. Sometimes people seem to be able to change it for themselves, mainly by repressing it, but that’s always so amazing, not to mention deeply threatening, I wouldn’t proffer it as advice.

I sometimes think of my own sexuality as having a personality, and an agenda, that I can only observe, not control. The best case scenario for me has evolved into trying not to be too judgmental of it and to and make sure nothing unsafe happens. I’m like a benign referee of my own dirty urges.

Having said that, I have two pieces of indirect advice for you. First, it would probably be useful to separate sex play with “normal life” and realize that you can ask someone to dominate you in the bedroom, and even pretend to control you, and even actually control you, whilst remaining nothing like that outside the bedroom. That’s totally normal and common and it might help in the sense that you’d actually have control over being controlled: it would happen if and when you wanted it.

The second piece of advice I have it totally selfish, namely, please don’t blame the women of the world for your unresolved problems. Just because you’re both attracted and afraid of these dominant women doesn’t mean they have a responsibility to deal with your confusion and frustration. Don’t take it out on them.

I hope that helps,

Aunt Pythia


Dear Aunt Pythia,

What would you say to a woman who told you that she is not able to make a commitment to anyone because she regularly finds herself in search of romance (not originating from sexual desires) with other people? Do you think this is a common behavior?

Itchy Litchi

Dear Itchy,

There are three stages of understanding in this story, at least for me.

First, you know yourself (I’ll refer to “you” even though you might have been asking on behalf of someone else) pretty well if you avoid commitment based on a theoretical understanding of your roaming eye. Most people I know throw themselves into commitment in spite of really good evidence that they won’t be able to sustain it, due to their cognitive biases.

Second, you claim your romantic urges for other people are not sexual. Theoretically this may be true, but in my experience romantic urges are always sexual if you probe deep enough or if they get strong enough. So either I’m a sex maniac (possible) or else you’re in denial about those nonsexual romantic urges.

Third, let’s put the above two together: A) you know yourself deeply, and B) you’re in total denial. The second conclusion makes me rethink the first, honestly, and I come to the conclusion that the first conclusion was wrong. You aren’t avoiding commitment because you know yourself so well, but rather because you’re avoiding commitment for some reason. Maybe you’re afraid of commitment? Maybe you’re afraid of sexual urges, which is why you both avoid commitment and avoid admitting your romantic urges are sexual?

Finally, if this question was actually written by, say, a man who wanted to understand the reasoning a woman gave him for why she couldn’t commit to him: she just wasn’t that into you. And yes that’s a very common behavior.

I hope that helps!

Auntie P


Dear Aunt Pythia,

I just studied the “Authentic Women’s Penis Size Preference Chart” (I say “studied” because I need to convert everything to metric units to make any sense of it) and, while – unlike many men, I am told – I am not too concerned about length, I feel that the ideal circumference IS REALLY BIG, at least for a man’s penis. Is this for real? Are women looking all their life for that eluding ideal-sized penis or am I just unlucky?

Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned,

Once again here’s the chart for the readers who missed it last time:


To answer your primary question, it’s not the length, it’s the girth. A truer statement has never been said. Of course, there are exceptions to that rule, namely if the length is truly miniscule.

Now, I do have some comforting words for you, you’ll be happy to know. Namely, my guess is that women responding to this very scientific poll had a biased measurement error. Namely, they didn’t have (probably) an erect penis handy and a flexible measuring tape as well, by their side, whilst answering the poll (apologies to the women who did!).

So what they did is they eyeballed the “circumference” measurement by imaging holding a penis in their hand like an OK sign:


And then, since it’s hard to measure a circle, they then straightened out their fingers. The reason this is so biased is that your fingers and thumb are actually quite a bit longer once you’ve stopped making the OK sign.

There may be a measurement bias of up to 50% on this. Probably not, but I’m trying to make you feel better.

I hope that helps!

Aunt Pythia


Please please please submit questions! Especially if they are grasshopper-related!

Categories: Aunt Pythia
  1. alagator2k13
    March 16, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I love Aunt Pythia!


  2. Vaughn
    March 16, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Cathy, if someone made a female-breasts version of the penis chart, feminists like you would condemn it as sexist and objectifying. Odd that you have no qualms posting this chart. To be honest, I’m not offended by it, just pointing out a strange (but rather common) double-standard.


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