mathbabe

I saw the NYT piece last night and it struck a chord…this last week I “self-deported” myself from the comment section of my favorite econ-ish libertarian-ish blog for making a personal attack (lame by anyone’s standards, but my own). I am a big proponent of ‘free thought’ but I think ‘free speech’ sometimes goes too far…in that the wielder of words forgets the responsibility that comes with that privilege. I absolutely loved the wide ranging conversations in that blog (massive sociology experiment), but I did not enjoy being compared to Stalin for being pro-immigration, or being called out as an example of why women should not have gotten the vote, or being viewed as a bad parent because I thought ‘we saw your boobs’ song was a poor opener to the Oscars. All of those people got civil replies from me, but that kind of atmosphere is poison, even for the people spewing it. It’s too bad, because blogs are such a unique place to bring people together to discuss and learn.

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There’s a recent study put out by HBR regarding the high cost of rudeness at work. I thought it was as interesting piece. They really showed how we have become more rude to each other. Yes, this was in the workplace but one statement that stuck with me was that they felt that perhaps rudeness was increasing because of the level of aggression that is protrayed towards each other on tv. No this could not be proven but have you watched reality tv lately? lol Everything is a screaming, cursing argument and then almost ends up in a fist fight. Is this relevant to this discussion. It’s a similar theme that I am hearing and seeing over and over in all forms of media, etc. I am in agreement to cut it off. It just deteroriates the conversation. If they want that, let them go turn on the tv.

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Hi,

I discovered your blog recently, and think it’s superb. No doubt I’ll continue to read it as long as it’s around.

But, I did come across one entry (“On Being An Alpha Female”) that disturbed me a bit, and have been meaning to write you about it. I profoundly disagree with,some things you either say directly or imply in this particular entry, and wanted to explain why.

But, I was apprehensive that you might not like what I had to say, and therefore had been debating with myself about whether it was prudent to send you my comments. I was afraid I might come across as too harsh, something I didn’t want to do.

I’m appalled by the quality of the comments I see on the pages of (for example) Salon and the Wall Street Journal, which are often mean-spirited, filled with name-calling, and at at times even vile. I try very hard to avoid that sort of thing. Nonetheless, I feared that if I came across too strongly, you might not run my comment.

But then I read your current post, and felt reassured. You say:

“My first rule is to allow comments that disagree with me, as long as the reasons are articulated and as long as the comment isn’t abusive. Rude is ok, “you are stupid” is not ok.”

Since the last thing in the world I want to be is abusive (or even rude), this comment convinced me that you would welcome civil disagreement, even if it’s strong.

So, let me tell you what my problem is with your “alpha female” piece.
I am a male by the way, but certainly not an “alpha” male. I’m not too impressed with that quality actually.

You say:

“About 8 months ago I found out I’m an alpha female. What happened was, one day at work my boss mentioned that he and everyone else is afraid of me.”

“I went home to my husband and mentioned how weird it was that people at work are afraid of me, and he said, “No, it’s not weird at all. Don’t you realize that you’re constantly giving people the impression that you’re about to take away their toy and break it??”. No, I hadn’t realized that – and that sounds pretty awful! Am I really that mean? Then he told me I was an alpha male living in a woman’s body.”

Then, a bit later:

“Over the past 8 months, I’ve been slowly observing my alpha femaleness, and at this point I can honestly say I’m comfortable with it. I own it now. It’s kind of fun to know about it, because of how people react to me, without me intentionally doing anything”.

Well, I have a problem with the idea that having a personality that “scares” people is okay. And you clearly seem to be saying that when you say you are now “comfortable” with your “alpha femaleness”.

Of course, what I’m talking about is a matter of values, not logic. It’s not that I think you’re “wrong” to think it’s okay to scare most of the people around you. It’s simply that I think the world would be better off with less of that sort of personality in it. Psychologically better off that is.

I’ve read that everyone was afraid of Bill Gates, and he obviously has done great things for the world (and, he seems to have mellowed with time). But, consider Steve Jobs. A great man in a sense, but, he never did “mellow”, and he scared everyone so much that I actually think the world on balance might have been better off without him. I guess that’s debatable, even to me. But certainly (from my viewpoint), if someone lacking Steve Jobs’ ability to do good things for the world scares people the way he did, the world is definitely better off without him/her.

I do think it’s a good thing to have the *capacity* to scare people. I mean, every once in a while one runs into a real asshole, and I think it’s great for a “scary” person to be able to “deal” with such a person. But, I think one should use this “power” on relatively rare occasions. I think I actually have that power, but am happy I rarely have to use it.

I’m very interested in math (I have a Masters degree) and had a career as an actuary. I’m now retired, and have had a very successful second career tutoring high-school students in math. One of the things that helps this career is that I do not have a personality that scares people. This is important when tutoring math to teenagers, because the subject itself is intimidating enough, and if on top of that I had a “scary”, authoritative personality, I would have been a total flop.

I simply feel (and I emphasize that this is simply my personal value) that radiating a warm, accepting aura is more conducive to good human relationships than radiating a scary, authoritative one. And, one does not have to be a “wimp” to do this.

And what disturbed me about your piece is that you don’t seem to feel that way. You seem to think that the idea that your boss and everyone else around you is scared of you is cool. You feel “comfortable” with it.

Well, that attitude demoralizes me. I think it causes a lot of problems in the world.

It disturbed me because your thoughts are so interesting, and you obviously have a lot to offer the world. Why would you want to scare people? It simply alienates them from you. What’s the point?

In the comments section of your piece, someone put up a video of you giving a presentation, and said (in effect) that it was a good example of your “scariness”. It was. It put me off, even though I found your presentation interesting intellectually. One reason (although not the main one) is because you used the word “shit” in your presentation.

I think one of the commenters lauded you for that. But, I have a problem with it for the following reason: while I’m personally not offended by your used of the word, I am at the same time aware that many people *are* offended by such language. Therefore, out of consideration for their sensibilities (as silly as they are), I would not use such language. Why offend people unless compellingly necessary… which I don’t think it was in the context of your lecture. Why?

You said in the piece that you had recently realized you were an “alpha female” when someone told you that he and everyone else was afraid of you. As a person interested in the psychology of human relationships, I was amazed that someone of your obvious brilliance had failed to realize such a fundamental thing about yourself until that day.

So, let me ask you: since you scare “everyone else”, what about your children? Do you think it’s possible that you also scare them? If so, would that be a good thing? If you don’t think you scare your children, perhaps you’re wrong. After all, you grant that you didn’t realize until recently that you scared “everyone else”. Maybe you don’t yet realize that you scare your children.

Well, I believe that if it’s not a good idea to scare your children (and I realize that not everyone shares my value system on this point), it’s also not a good idea to scare “everyone else”. As I said, I believe that scaring people is simply not good for human relationships.

What I wish you had done in the piece is to relate how, after finding out about this quality you have (scaring people), you were embarrassed to learn that you affected your fellow humans this way, and that you were going to make an effort to modify it. That you were going to keep it in reserve for those who “deserve” to be scared, i.e. the real assholes of the world. Then, from my point of view, this ability to scare people would perhaps do some good. But to routinely make “he and everyone else” afraid of you is problematic, at least for me.

I realized a similar thing about myself about 45 years ago, and felt I needed to do something about it. I had been in the habit of intimidating people with my intellect, especially if they said something I thought was “stupid” (or, what you might call “bullshit”). When I was in basic training in the Army, I had a bucket of cold water dumped on me in the middle of the night as I was sleeping. My fellow trainees had gotten fed up with my attitude, and had taken action.

Well, that humiliating act somehow “got through” to me. I analyzed the situation and finally realized that intimidating people was not good… for them or anyone else, and especially me. So, I made a conscious effort to change. I tried to be more tolerant of people. If someone said something “stupid”, rather than try to “put them down”, I tried to understand their point of view, and to try to gently show them mine.

At first, I felt like I was acting. And, I suppose I was. On an emotional level, I sometimes still felt like showing them how “stupid” they were. On an intellectual level, however, I knew I no longer wanted to do that. After a while, I began to get positive feedback from people I would never have deigned to bother with before, and from that point on, I wasn’t acting. On an emotional level, I now wanted to be as decent to people as I could. And this has made an incredibly positive difference in my life.

Of course, I still know how to handle the occasional asshole who crosses my path. Including the “alpha male” ones.

Sincerely,

Phil H

P.S. Please don’t ban me from your wonderful blog!:-). But, please ban any commenters who resort to calling me names (subtly or otherwise) for having expressed myself here.

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I’m mildly curious in your justification (to self) of moderating my comments on the food/calorie discussion.

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