The douche burger, and putting a ruler to the dick.
I have been pretty hardcore and serious for a few weeks, and today I want to lighten it up for a change.
Douchery
First, I want everyone to read this article about a New York City food truck that sells douche burgers. From the article:
For just $666 you can purchase a foie gras-stuffed Kobe patty covered in Gruyere cheese that’s been melted with champagne steam and topped with lobster, truffles, caviar, and a BBQ sauce made with Kopi Luwak coffee beans that have been pooped out by some sort of animal called the Asian palm civet. The whole thing is then served in a gold-leaf wrapper.
Two things I like about this article, first that it’s hilarious and over the top satire, which is always excellent, and second that the world is picking up on my idea of calling people douches when they get really into esoteric stuff.
If you don’t believe me, read my previous post My friend the coffee douche. It’s one of my favorites.
Putting a ruler to the dick
Next, speaking of using language in a funny but pointed way, are you with me that “opening the kimono” is an offensive and sexist phrase? Well, how about we replace it with a better, more offensive, and more sexist phrase that’s even more fun to say, namely “putting a ruler to the dick”??
This was my friend Laura Strausfeld’s idea, and I love it. It’s gonna be the buzzword (buzzphrase) of the year, we just know it.
Here’s how it works in context:
guy A: “So do you think you’ll invest in those guys? They seemed really excited about that new technique they’ve developed!”
guy B: “I don’t know. They talked a big game, but until I can put a ruler to the dick I’m not putting my money there.”
mathbabe 
“I refuse to put lettuce and tomato on my burgers. They’re only meat, cheese, and bread. I’ve gone and returned someone’s money and thrown his burger away because he was arguing with me about ketchup.”
Sounds like this guy has was in the douche business long before he invented the $666 burger.
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nice!
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I like it, it reminds me of “All right fellas, put your dicks away” – my favorite phrase for shutting down a bunch guys jockeying for position a bit too intensely.
My only caveat is that “put a ruler to the dick” seems like it might be punchier if it were shorter. How about “measure the dick” or “size the dick”? Alternatively, what about using ruler as a verb? calipers instead of a ruler? They’re precise and threateningly sharp; tell me “until I caliper the dick” or “until I put a caliper to the dick” doesn’t evoke a shudder of frisson (for those of us with a dick that is)
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I’m into “size the dick”. I think “caliper” is a little too weird. Let’s keep thinking, this shit is important!
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“Measure the manhood”!
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He and I were “ruler to dick” through the entire meeting.
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Perfect!!!
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Wow, I am definitely looking for an excuse to use that one. Meeting crashing, here I come.
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The reason guys have to carry a tape measure around with them is because they all think three inches is six inches. (^_^)
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Dear mathbabe;
Oh what joy! Speaking from a construction trades background, the term ‘dick’ generally meant some sort of over the top, arrogant, know it all. “Swinging dicks” referred to a group of ramped up, ready to work fellows. “Don’t try and dick me,” meant don’t try and decieve me, or trick me. “See the dick” usually meant, “What are you capable of?” It goes on and on, usually as a pressure releasing function for harried and harrased workers. (Bitching about something is way easier than doing something, natch.)
Thanks for bringing this earthy phrase “out of the closet” as it were!
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Hilarious. “Dicking down” is another one, used when taking the wind out of someone’s sails.
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Haha, yes, “dicking down” I’ve heard that before said actually, lol.
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