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Amazon’s binder reviews

October 21, 2012

If you go to amazon.com and search for “binder” or “3-ring binder” (h/t Dan), the very first hit will take you to the sale page for Avery’s Economy Binder with 1-Inch Round Ring, Black, 1 Binder (3301). The reviews are hilarious and subversive, including this one entitled “A Legitimate Binder”:

I am so excited to order this binder! My husband said that I’ve been doing such a great job of cutting out of work early to serve him meat and potatoes all these years, and he’s finally letting me upgrade from a 2-ring without pockets to a binder with 3 rings and two pockets! The pockets excite me the most. I plan to use the left pocket to hold my resume which will highlight my strongest skills which include but are not limited to laughing while eating yogurt. The right pocket will be great for keeping my stash of aspirin, in case of emergencies when I need to hold it between my knees.

Here’s another, entitled “Doesn’t work as advertised“:

Could’t bind a single damn woman with it! Most women just seem vaguely annoyed when I put it on them and it falls right off. Am I missing something? How’d Mitt do it?

Or this one, called “Such a bargain!“:

I am definitely buying this binder full of women, because even though it works the same as other male binders, you only have to pay $.77 on the dollar for it!

But my favorite one is this (called “Great with Bic lady pens”), partly because it points me to another subversive Amazon-rated product:

I’ve been having a hard time finding a job recently, and realized it was because I wasn’t in a binder. I thought the Avery Economy Binder would be perfect. It needs some tweaks, though. It kicks me out at 5pm so I can cook dinner for a family I don’t have. I also don’t seem to be making as much as the binderless men. And sometimes the rings will snag the lady parts, so maybe mine is defective.

By the way, the BIC pens for Her are a great complement to this binder. I wondered why the normal pens just didn’t feel right. It turns out, I was using man pens. The pink and purple also affirms me as a woman. You can find them here.

And if you go there, here’s the featured review (“THEY NEED TO PUT A WARNING ON THE PACKAGE”):

I know it says “for her” on the package but I, like many, assumed it was just a marketing ploy seeking to profit off of archaic gender constructs and the “war of the sexes”. Little did I realize that these pens really are for girls, and ONLY girls. Non-girls risk SERIOUS side effects should they use this product. I lent one to my 13-year-old brother, not thinking anything of it, and woke up the next morning to the sound of whinnying coming from the room across the hall. I got out of bed and went to his room to find that my worst fears had been realized:

MY LITTLE BROTHER IS NOW A UNICORN and it’s all my fault. Sure, you’d think that having a unicorn for a little brother would be great but my parents are FURIOUS – I’ve been grounded for a MONTH!!! They made an appointment for him with our family practitioner, but I’m not sure it’ll do any good, and they told me that if it couldn’t be fixed I’d have to get a job to help pay for his feed and lodging D:I repeat, boys, DO NOT USE THIS PEN. Unless you want to be a unicorn, and even then be careful because there’s no telling that you’ll suffer the same side effects.SERIOUSLY BIC IT’S REALLY REALLY IRRESPONSIBLE FOR YOU TO PUT OUT THIS PRODUCT WITHOUT A CLEAR WARNING OF THE RISK IT POSES TO NON-GIRLS. Just saying it’s “For Her” is not enough!!!!

(I’m giving it two stars because even though they got me grounded, the pens still write really nice and bring out my eyes)

Categories: musing
  1. liry
    October 21, 2012 at 9:30 am

    77 cents to write a so-so joke. Still cheaper than metafilter.

  2. mathematrucker
    October 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Hilarious! I just took a moment to try and think of a good “the ties that bind” pun but nothing came to mind. Maybe someone else can finish the thought.

  3. KCd
    October 21, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Another interesting product on amazon is nuclear duct tape. Look for 3M 8979N Performance Plus Nuclear Duct Tape, Slate Blue.

    Here is one review: “When we found cracks in the containment structure, we used to have to shut the whole plant down; then there was a lot of hassle with the nuclear regulatory agency about structural integrity and environmental contamination. With this quality duct tape, that’s all in the past. Now, when we see a cracked or crumbling wall, we just bring out the tape. The slate blue blends right in. I do recommend that you use use double layers for openings near the reactor core.”

    A few other reviews explain the real purpose of the product.

  4. max
  5. Bertie
    October 21, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    OMG i had no inkling that there was such fun to be had over at Amazon!!
    Thanks for this post and for the commenters too, from Max’s link above:
    “I can’t count the number of 5-gallon jugs of lube I purchased before I realized the amount of money I could save by buying in quantity”

    Still wiping tears of laughter

  6. Scott Carnahan
    October 22, 2012 at 7:55 am

    About a year ago, a bunch of reviews of a pepper spray device appeared on Amazon. Several complained that it did not seem to be a food product (as some TV talking head had claimed).

    • mathematrucker
      October 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

      Sounds like something an SNL parody of a talking head might claim – with a demonstration – but a real one? But then, it must have been a real one, since any Amazon follow-ups to an SNL sketch would essentially be re-telling the same joke.

      • Jacques Richer
        October 22, 2012 at 4:12 pm

        There is actually a pepper spray that _is_ a food product (I’ve eaten it..). While defense pepper sprays are also made with capsicums, I don’t recommend eating them.

        • mathematrucker
          October 22, 2012 at 4:25 pm

          Okay – but based on your second sentence it sounds like the “pepper spray” in your first sentence isn’t a defense spray, but rather, some sort of spice or condiment packaged in some type of spray dispenser. In general the term “pepper spray” is only used to describe defense sprays as far as I know, but then, my guess is that this edible product you describe took its cue from the defense sprays.

          Obviously when I was talking about an imaginary SNL sketch, the image I had in mind was somebody like Bill Hader spraying a defense product on food.

        • mathematrucker
          October 22, 2012 at 4:27 pm

          Actually, I take that back: the SNL sketch would clearly involve a food product like you describe. My bad. That’s interesting such a product actually exists! Gotta love capitalism.

  1. April 9, 2013 at 4:28 am
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